Sex with ED

Here's a worthwhile link to a study on EDs and blogging. They're looking for people to take a survey, so if you meet the qualifications, go for it. If nothing else, I found it to be a good oppertunity to reflect on why I blog (or in the recent past, why I haven't blogged.)

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My weight has finally stabilized a bit. After I switched birth control, my weight went up 5lbs. This created for some pretty hellish months. All but one pound is gone, and I'm feeling a bit more in control now.

That said, my boyfriend and I have had to have some big discussions about sex recently. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I have no sex drive. None. Nilp. Zitch. I think it's been 4 weeks since we've had sex - and, I leave tomorrow for a 5 day trip. So we can make that 5. He's really kind about it, and never pressures me into sex. It's just that I feel guilty for not providing for him. I know he masturbates when I'm not around, so at least he's got that. But in truth, I was feeling a bit left out. I don't want sex, but I want him to be getting some - and I want to be part of his sex life. I'm picky, I know.

Then there's the whole issue of me not wanting to be touched. Sometimes kisses are ok. Sometimes they're not. Grabbing my hips, usually not ok. I'm trying to avoid giving him a list of "appropriate" things, as I don't want him to feel constrained - plus I'm not sure I could even make one as it changes hourly. But, I know that he doesn't ever want to make me feel uncomfortable. Yet, I'm not able to guide him. I'm picky, I know.

In short. Our sex life sucks. And I generally feel guilty about it. But, at the same time, I'm not really sure I want the ED to go away right now. Such is life.

Yours truly,
The AB

Ups and Downs

My weight has been fluctuating like none other. Up and down about 2-3 pounds each day. Overall, this has been leaving me emotionally exhausted. I never know what to expect when I step on the scale.

This has had ramifications for the normally calm parts of my life. Even when I'm practicing yoga, the point in the day when usually I can forget about my body (I recognize this is kind of ironic), I've been having negative thoughts. I look back to grab my calf and instead of just seeing skin, I take note of how fat it is. Then, my eyes start tearing up, I get upset, and stop focusing on my practice. This isn't useful for my emotional or physical heath.

With the boyfriend out of the country, I also have been by myself for most of the past week. Eating by myself never goes well. I'm much more likely to eat more alone than if I'm with people. Don't ask me why this is.

Part of me recognizes that it's ok to fluctuate a little bit, and that my current weight isn't by any standard fat (even my yoga teachers, who themselves are little, have recently commented), but it doesn't help me from feeling ridiculously gross most of the time. I keep wanting to go out for midnight walks to burn off all of the food I ate. Though I'm stopping myself from doing it (safety concerns), boy is it tempting.

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School starts back up again tomorrow. Though I did rest a fair amount over break (which probably accounts for the lack of weight loss...), I'd really love a few days of lazy mornings with my boyfriend before we had to worry about getting to class on time. Plus all the social "Oh what did you do over break" conversations make me go insane.

In typical AB fashion, I'll just seclude myself.

Truly yours,
the AB

A Small Rant

I spent my entire therapy session today in tears. Within seconds of sitting down, I was picking up the tissues. I didn't say much. Just cried. The entire time. My Dr. tried to get me to "explain what's behind the tears." I tried. But not much came out. It's what I've been doing all day. And I can't explain it.

I'm going to Paris on Tuesday. I should be excited, but I'm dreading it. I'm dreading 3 meals a day with my family, my mother who talks either about food or how she wants to be skinny, and just generally being a tourist. I just want to blend in. Read a book in a coffee shop and otherwise relax. Enough of this go go go.

I still haven't finished my semester yet. Sunday. It'll be over soon. I need it to be.

I thought I was hungry tonight. And, because I have nothing in my house, I ordered Chinese. By the time it came, I no longer wanted it. It's in the fridge. I did check my fortune though - it was about how you need to take time to rest and relax. No kidding. Since September, I've been on over 30 planes, had 70+ interviews, (written that many thank-yous), had more business lunches (damn them) than I can count, carried a full course load, and worked a part-time job for a professor. Not to mention, spending time with a boyfriend,traveling home to visit my parents twice, teaching piano lessons, and keeping Shabbat. No wonder I'm tired. I need a break.

Funny how in this list, keeping Shabbat is a chore. It just all takes time. And it's about time I had some time to myself.

And for the next 3 weeks, I don't have access to my scale. I know this is probably a good thing for me, but I really want it. Really. I might go buy one. But there's no socially responsible place to buy a scale. Wal-Mart and Target don't count. I didn't see one at the thrift store when I went yesterday. Boo.

Enough ranting.

Truly yours,
The AB

Moving Onward

Virtual Weigh-in: 133(!), BMI 18.5.

I've reached the lowest "acceptable" weight for my height.

I'm sure this is because of the blood loss, but the number was nice to see on the scale this morning.

Although I just counteracted it with the bagel I ate. Oh well.

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Exam tomorrow. The AB's stressed.

Truly yours,
The AB

Blood Drive

Virtual Weigh-In: 134lbs. BMI: 18.7

Today's been a crappy food day. I've totally let myself loose. Which is horrible since I won't be making it to yoga today because...

... I gave blood. I haven't qualified in over year because I'm typically anemic. But, my iron was 40, according to the American Red Cross. Can someone explain this to me? I've lost 30+ pounds by not eating in the past 5 months, and my iron is at an all-time high. I'm just perplexed. Also, is it ok that I was motivated by the thought that I'll weigh less in the morning, if they took a pint of blood out of me? Does this even make sense?

But I passed out right after my donation. They made me drink non-diet soda. It was so sweet and nasty. Then I had pretzels at the canteen. I had already eaten so much today, it just made me feel even worse.

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This on top of me worried about the boyfriend. He's just seemed so quiet over the last 2 days. I know it's exams, and he insists that nothing's up, but I'm petrified he's thinking of leaving me. Not sure where this is coming from. Yesterday we booked tickets to go on a trip in March. I can't image he'd do that if he were simultaneously scheming.

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Just take a deep breath and focus on your exams. One down, two and a paper to go.

Yours truly,
The AB

Vomiting Again.

I just made myself throw-up. I'm not thinking this is a good thing.

I ate some cheese last night that didn't sit well in my stomach. About an hour ago, I got chills, stomach pains, and just generally feeling miserable. I threw it up (along with the peanut butter toast and apple I had had for breakfast). Although my stomach feels better, I'm a bit shaky and lightheaded. The endorphins are running too.

I also have to admit that I'm slightly scared as well. The only times I've thrown up before was when I was using ipecac back in 2004 (promise, this didn't last long...). Until today, I've never been able to induce vomit. I've tried, don't get me wrong, but it's never worked. I hope I don't get addicted.

My boyfriend isn't home. I just e-mailed him all of this. And yes, I'll tell the therapist tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I need to put this behind me so that I can study for exams.

Yours truly,
The AB

Yoga Practice

So Pat Robinson has a problem with yoga. It's apparently a threat to Christianity. But I'm Jewish, so I guess that it's ok for me to practice - consider I'm already a heathen and all.

In truth, I haven't been practicing very much recently. In fact, I'm only practiced once since Thanksgiving. Part of this was because I was sick; part of this was because I was busy; and part of this is because I've been trying not to be quite so rigid about my life.

I went to a beginning class yesterday - and actually found it plenty challenging; even though I typically take the advanced classes at my studio. It's amazing how much muscle mass you can loose in two weeks, and how tough it can be to get back into the swing of things.

Unfortunately, I can't go again tonight because I'm hosting a party for Hanukkah. But I'll be back tomorrow. My body needs it.
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I canceled my monthly follow up with my internist last week. It was just making me too anxious. I found myself thinking, "I can't eat this apple, because then I won't loose weight in time for my weigh-in." Although since I last posted, I did drop to 133, I'm weighed in this morning at 135, meaning that I only would have dropped 2 since my first appointment. Not good enough. So I canceled. Perverse thinking? Maybe. But then again, I have an ED.

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Exams are coming up. Yippee.

I'm focused on trying to beat the curve. In more ways than one.

Yours truly,
The AB