Sunday, September 23, 2007

Yom Kippur Recap

(today's weigh in: 139.5 [btw, I'm 5'11''])

Yesterday was Yom Kippur. It wasn't all that easy for me. I found myself very distracted, and having a tough time concentrating. All I could think about was my struggles with my ED this past year.

It's funny how much of a roller coaster it can be. Although I've probably had a diagnosable ED since early college, looking back, I can see ED tendencies back in early childhood. As probably typical, some years, it's more prominent in my life than in others. This has been a strong year.

I stood in synagogue all day yesterday. On a day of repentance and returning, I spent most of it angry at G-d. Angry and distracted. Paying attention to how my clothes don't fit (Since winter, I've dropped about 30 pounds and I haven't bothered to get new ones). Paying attention to my hair falling out and the goosebumps on my arms. Not on repentance and no returning.

Then in the afternoon, I spent some time on the porch. I needed a one-on-one with G-d. To hash it out. And then, seemingly so obvious, it struck me: I needed to forgive myself for not taking care of my body and ask G-d for the same. (I also had a chance to mull through a litany of sins I've committed over the past year). All of a sudden, Yom Kippur became more meaningful.

The fast, as I suspected was easy. That's the beauty of a restrictive-type ED-NOS. 25 hours wasn't all that much longer than the 16 or 17 I often go. I've been training my body to fast. I did break the fast at a pancake house. I had never been to this one before. Surprisingly, I was able to eat without too much guilt. But two pancakes and two eggs isn't too much considering that's all I ate yesterday. I think I was comforting myself with this information.

I've never understood the concept of large pre- and post-fast meals. It seems to me that you're just teasing your body. Once that food digests, you crash. Much better to avoid those uncomfortable stuffed feelings and slowly wean your body off food. But I guess my strategy is a more long-term solution.

Anyway - no more community-approved fasts until Esther in February. Boo.

Truly Yours,
The AB

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Introduction to the world

I'd been searching long and hard for a blog about ED (that'd be eating disorders, for the uninitiated) that was not a pitty party, a pro-ana/mia site, or a straight food diary. Something where I could read about someone's struggles with their ED with extra points given if it from time to time included some thoughtful commentary as well. I didn't have much luck on this mission.

And I discovered that what I wanted was a place to journal my life. So this blog was born.

First and foremost, I'm neither anorexic nor a baker. I'm ED-NOS (eating disorder - not otherwise specified) and a law student. But, I am of the restricting type and I do like to bake (for others). Anorexic Baker just sounded much more enticing that ED-NOS Law Student.

Also, I am under the care of a psychologist.

With that, I'll leave. More to come.

Truly yours,
the AB