Blood Drive

Virtual Weigh-In: 134lbs. BMI: 18.7

Today's been a crappy food day. I've totally let myself loose. Which is horrible since I won't be making it to yoga today because...

... I gave blood. I haven't qualified in over year because I'm typically anemic. But, my iron was 40, according to the American Red Cross. Can someone explain this to me? I've lost 30+ pounds by not eating in the past 5 months, and my iron is at an all-time high. I'm just perplexed. Also, is it ok that I was motivated by the thought that I'll weigh less in the morning, if they took a pint of blood out of me? Does this even make sense?

But I passed out right after my donation. They made me drink non-diet soda. It was so sweet and nasty. Then I had pretzels at the canteen. I had already eaten so much today, it just made me feel even worse.

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This on top of me worried about the boyfriend. He's just seemed so quiet over the last 2 days. I know it's exams, and he insists that nothing's up, but I'm petrified he's thinking of leaving me. Not sure where this is coming from. Yesterday we booked tickets to go on a trip in March. I can't image he'd do that if he were simultaneously scheming.

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Just take a deep breath and focus on your exams. One down, two and a paper to go.

Yours truly,
The AB

Vomiting Again.

I just made myself throw-up. I'm not thinking this is a good thing.

I ate some cheese last night that didn't sit well in my stomach. About an hour ago, I got chills, stomach pains, and just generally feeling miserable. I threw it up (along with the peanut butter toast and apple I had had for breakfast). Although my stomach feels better, I'm a bit shaky and lightheaded. The endorphins are running too.

I also have to admit that I'm slightly scared as well. The only times I've thrown up before was when I was using ipecac back in 2004 (promise, this didn't last long...). Until today, I've never been able to induce vomit. I've tried, don't get me wrong, but it's never worked. I hope I don't get addicted.

My boyfriend isn't home. I just e-mailed him all of this. And yes, I'll tell the therapist tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I need to put this behind me so that I can study for exams.

Yours truly,
The AB

Yoga Practice

So Pat Robinson has a problem with yoga. It's apparently a threat to Christianity. But I'm Jewish, so I guess that it's ok for me to practice - consider I'm already a heathen and all.

In truth, I haven't been practicing very much recently. In fact, I'm only practiced once since Thanksgiving. Part of this was because I was sick; part of this was because I was busy; and part of this is because I've been trying not to be quite so rigid about my life.

I went to a beginning class yesterday - and actually found it plenty challenging; even though I typically take the advanced classes at my studio. It's amazing how much muscle mass you can loose in two weeks, and how tough it can be to get back into the swing of things.

Unfortunately, I can't go again tonight because I'm hosting a party for Hanukkah. But I'll be back tomorrow. My body needs it.
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I canceled my monthly follow up with my internist last week. It was just making me too anxious. I found myself thinking, "I can't eat this apple, because then I won't loose weight in time for my weigh-in." Although since I last posted, I did drop to 133, I'm weighed in this morning at 135, meaning that I only would have dropped 2 since my first appointment. Not good enough. So I canceled. Perverse thinking? Maybe. But then again, I have an ED.

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Exams are coming up. Yippee.

I'm focused on trying to beat the curve. In more ways than one.

Yours truly,
The AB

Goal Weights, SOs, and Drs.

Virtual Weigh-in: 135lbs. BMI 18.8

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So, I've dropped another 2 pounds. It's kind of frustrating as my weight loss has plateaued. Earlier this summer I was loosing a pound or two a week. But as I get smaller, it gets tougher. No shattering news there.

135 used to be a goal weight. I weighed this when I was in 9th grade. It's the lowest I've ever been as a menstruating adult. Although about 10 pounds ago, I decided 130 would be good for me. But, knowing how this ED works, I'm not so sure that at 130, I'll be content to stay there. I'm also not sure I know how to maintain weight anymore. The thought of consuming 1700-2000 calories in a day is frightening.

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But, my boyfriend has no problems doing it. He's put on about 5 pounds (I would guess) in the past 2 months or so. This really scares me. He was trim before. Now, there's some flesh on him. At one point when we were talking about my weight (he knows about my ED, but not about this blog), he told me that he had a tough time seeing weight changes - and certainly couldn't see them on himself. He asked me if I could see them - yep. I can. That was my oppertunity to say, um by the way - wanna do some exercise? I just don't want to be with a fat man. As prejudicial as that is. But at the same time, I don't want to make him as demented and as concerned about his body as I am. Struggling to find this balance is tough.

Any tips?

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Also, you might notice the "virtual" addition to my weigh in. This is because I'm now getting monthly weigh=ins with a doctor. I'm a little bitter about this - especially with those $20 co-pays. Can't I just e-mail her my weight and save my money?

I also am feeling more pressure to loose weight so as to be "successful" at my next appointment. So far I'm down two - but it's as if that isn't enough for 2 weeks' loss. Ah, perverse incentives. Maybe I'll cancel my appointment.

Yours truly,
The AB

Aborted Attempt

After a night of restless sleep, and nightmares of a doctor yelling at me, or not believing me, or me just cowering in the corner of the doctor's office, I didn't even see a d*mn doctor.

I get they and they don't take my insurance. Despite the fact that over the phone she asked me, "what insurance do you take?" And me replying "Anthem." She responded, "OK - bring your card with you."

So I bring my card. She looks at it and goes, "Oh we don't take this version of Anthem. Sorry."

Talk about stress. I broke down. Two years ago I would have been so stoic, but I got very frustrated. What incompetence. A woman in the back helped me schedule another appointment with a different doctor in my town. I'm not sure she understood why I was in tears.

And now, in two weeks, I get to do this whole process again. Just for some lousy numbers that will tell me I need to eat more.

Big whoop.

Your's truly,
The AB

An Apple a Day

....should keep the doctor away?

Or maybe not.

My brother, mother and I are going to Europe in December/January. I love being abroad and am looking forward to the trip.

But my visit back to the 'rents house last weekend didn't do me much good. My parents were appalled at the weight loss and told me that I had to go see a doctor. I resisted and told them that I'm seeing a psychologist and that there wasn't anything the MD would tell me other than eat. They didn't like this answer and threatened that if I didn't see a doctor (they don't trust psychology as a discipline - only Medical Doctors count) that they wouldn't pay for my trip to Europe.

So I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow morning. I've never seen this guy before. I don't have a regular doctor. He's a general practitioner, but will probably be dumbfounded by my case (in addition to my ED-NOS, I also present with an array of other medical complications, and a ridiculously long medical history. The only this that's getting me to my appointment tomorrow morning is the look on his face when I get to say, "no, I'm not done yet, there's more to my medical history..."

I was also told to fast - presumably for blood work. Needless to say that's another upside to the visit. Permission, my an MD nonetheless, not to eat. I might extend the fast for the day.

Although my boyfriend's father's birthday is tomorrow. I'm dreading the obligatory ice cream cake.

Your's Truly,
The AB

Visit Home

I was back at my parents’ house this weekend. I don’t usually go home. Despite the fact that they live only two hours away, I only go home 2-3 times a year. I think part of the reason this is because every time I see them, they give me a lecture on how much they love me, and how I’m getting too skinny. I know that they care. But them telling me constantly that they want me to eat more isn’t going to make me want to eat.

I also caught a glimpse of my medical chart at the doctors’ office (I went in to get a flu shot). I weigh 2 pounds less than I did when I was 17. I saw a full length picture of me taken about that time, and, in AB fashion, I found it disgusting, despite the fact that until now, that was the lowest I’ve ever weighed.

I comforted my parents by reassuring them that I was still in the “normal” weight range – though I am quite close to the bottom of the range. I didn’t tell them my goal was to loose 10 more pounds…

But, I’m thankfully back home. Now there’s no one to criticize what I am or am not eating. Just me.

Your’s truly,
AB