Friday, April 24, 2009

Triggers

I haven't been doing too well recently. I put on a few pounds, but it feels like 20. A walking blimp. However, it was made worse tonight by the fact that one of my friends came over for dinner tonight. I don't know her terribly well, but we're part of a monthly dinner group. I wouldn't be surprised if she also has an ED. Only she's so much "better" at it than I am. My is she thin. To me, she is ideal - exactly what I'd like to be like. To look like.

My boyfriend says "that [her thinness] can't be healthy," but oh how I wish I looked like she did. In short, she's my biggest trigger.

Other than Friend, I only use triggers when I feel I'm slipping. I'll go search online for some diet info, maybe some pictures of particularly beautiful women. I'm not a fan of "thinspo" but Victoria's Secret models. That's my style. Maybe I should be able to tell that I'm having "problems" if I'm searching for this stuff online, but my brain doesn't make that connection.

Anyway, we're about ready to enter finals period. At this point, I've finished my formal education. I just need to prove that I've learned something. Two exams and I will have myself a law degree. Scary. I'm just not that responsible.

Yours truly,
The AB

2 comments:

whereishop said...

hi dear, just wondering, how do you stop yourself from eating something you really like(eg. cookies/any snacks which means extra calories)?

what's the main motivation in your mind?
can you please help me?
I've lost control of myself..

thanks

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