Ups and Downs

My weight has been fluctuating like none other. Up and down about 2-3 pounds each day. Overall, this has been leaving me emotionally exhausted. I never know what to expect when I step on the scale.

This has had ramifications for the normally calm parts of my life. Even when I'm practicing yoga, the point in the day when usually I can forget about my body (I recognize this is kind of ironic), I've been having negative thoughts. I look back to grab my calf and instead of just seeing skin, I take note of how fat it is. Then, my eyes start tearing up, I get upset, and stop focusing on my practice. This isn't useful for my emotional or physical heath.

With the boyfriend out of the country, I also have been by myself for most of the past week. Eating by myself never goes well. I'm much more likely to eat more alone than if I'm with people. Don't ask me why this is.

Part of me recognizes that it's ok to fluctuate a little bit, and that my current weight isn't by any standard fat (even my yoga teachers, who themselves are little, have recently commented), but it doesn't help me from feeling ridiculously gross most of the time. I keep wanting to go out for midnight walks to burn off all of the food I ate. Though I'm stopping myself from doing it (safety concerns), boy is it tempting.

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School starts back up again tomorrow. Though I did rest a fair amount over break (which probably accounts for the lack of weight loss...), I'd really love a few days of lazy mornings with my boyfriend before we had to worry about getting to class on time. Plus all the social "Oh what did you do over break" conversations make me go insane.

In typical AB fashion, I'll just seclude myself.

Truly yours,
the AB