Triggers

I haven't been doing too well recently. I put on a few pounds, but it feels like 20. A walking blimp. However, it was made worse tonight by the fact that one of my friends came over for dinner tonight. I don't know her terribly well, but we're part of a monthly dinner group. I wouldn't be surprised if she also has an ED. Only she's so much "better" at it than I am. My is she thin. To me, she is ideal - exactly what I'd like to be like. To look like.

My boyfriend says "that [her thinness] can't be healthy," but oh how I wish I looked like she did. In short, she's my biggest trigger.

Other than Friend, I only use triggers when I feel I'm slipping. I'll go search online for some diet info, maybe some pictures of particularly beautiful women. I'm not a fan of "thinspo" but Victoria's Secret models. That's my style. Maybe I should be able to tell that I'm having "problems" if I'm searching for this stuff online, but my brain doesn't make that connection.

Anyway, we're about ready to enter finals period. At this point, I've finished my formal education. I just need to prove that I've learned something. Two exams and I will have myself a law degree. Scary. I'm just not that responsible.

Yours truly,
The AB

Red Lobster

As I think I've mentioned in a previous post or two, I'm a vegetarian. My vegetarian habits slowly evolved beginning from when I was about 6 or 7. I just didn't like meat. Gradually, I stopped eating meat (poultry, red meat), then I cut out shellfish (primarily because of my conversion to Judaism and my desire to keep Kosher), finally a year to two ago, I stopped eating "flaky" fish (salmon, tuna, etc.) altogether. Recently, I've considered going vegan, but have resisted this urge since it would make others' lives too difficult.

I'm smart enough to understand that my vegetarianism probably is related to my ED, but, because it started when I was so young, I don't believe that it is predominately caused by my ED.

However, my need to examine menus well in advance of going out to eat is related. I need to go on-line to a restaurant and examine a menu. That way, when I get there, I'm prepared. I know what my choices will be (or usually, because of my vegetarianism, lack thereof). Armed with that information, I am able to plan out what I will eat that day (and often the day or two before).

My mother and I are going to visit my grandmother soon. Grandma has requested that we go to Red Lobster. Grandma doesn't drive much anymore, and the Red Lobster is a bit far for her. Of course my mother and I agreed (even though it's not our favorite place in the world). Like a dutiful EDer, I logged on to the Red Lobster webpage and looked at the menu. There wasn't a single vegetarian item on the menu. I was shocked (though I guess I shouldn't have been). I called up the resturant. I've found that a lot of "picture menu resturants" have a veggie burger or something similar that they offer, but that it's not on the menu. The manager quickly told me that no, in fact they offer no vegetarian items.

I'll probably end up eating a side of potato and asparagus and in the process make every one I'm with feel uncomfortable that they went to a resturant that doesn't offer anything for me and have them focusing on what I'm eating. I'm sure that'll make me feel really comfortable. Great job Red Lobster! I can't wait to visit your establishment.

Yours truly,
The AB

Facebook Status

One of my friends recently changed her facebook status to "E. F. is going to starve to death!" My initial reaction was "Can I join too?" I was dead serious too.

Some thing's wrong with me. That said, I think I've consumed a normal amount of calories each of the last three days. Although I did drop to my lowest weight ever last week, I've since, I'm sure put a few pounds back on. But, I'm too afraid to get on the scale to find out.

I just had salad and some chex mix for lunch and I'm feeling absolutely horrendous, and generally just pathetic.

Truly yours,
the AB

Sex with ED

Here's a worthwhile link to a study on EDs and blogging. They're looking for people to take a survey, so if you meet the qualifications, go for it. If nothing else, I found it to be a good oppertunity to reflect on why I blog (or in the recent past, why I haven't blogged.)

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My weight has finally stabilized a bit. After I switched birth control, my weight went up 5lbs. This created for some pretty hellish months. All but one pound is gone, and I'm feeling a bit more in control now.

That said, my boyfriend and I have had to have some big discussions about sex recently. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I have no sex drive. None. Nilp. Zitch. I think it's been 4 weeks since we've had sex - and, I leave tomorrow for a 5 day trip. So we can make that 5. He's really kind about it, and never pressures me into sex. It's just that I feel guilty for not providing for him. I know he masturbates when I'm not around, so at least he's got that. But in truth, I was feeling a bit left out. I don't want sex, but I want him to be getting some - and I want to be part of his sex life. I'm picky, I know.

Then there's the whole issue of me not wanting to be touched. Sometimes kisses are ok. Sometimes they're not. Grabbing my hips, usually not ok. I'm trying to avoid giving him a list of "appropriate" things, as I don't want him to feel constrained - plus I'm not sure I could even make one as it changes hourly. But, I know that he doesn't ever want to make me feel uncomfortable. Yet, I'm not able to guide him. I'm picky, I know.

In short. Our sex life sucks. And I generally feel guilty about it. But, at the same time, I'm not really sure I want the ED to go away right now. Such is life.

Yours truly,
The AB

Ups and Downs

My weight has been fluctuating like none other. Up and down about 2-3 pounds each day. Overall, this has been leaving me emotionally exhausted. I never know what to expect when I step on the scale.

This has had ramifications for the normally calm parts of my life. Even when I'm practicing yoga, the point in the day when usually I can forget about my body (I recognize this is kind of ironic), I've been having negative thoughts. I look back to grab my calf and instead of just seeing skin, I take note of how fat it is. Then, my eyes start tearing up, I get upset, and stop focusing on my practice. This isn't useful for my emotional or physical heath.

With the boyfriend out of the country, I also have been by myself for most of the past week. Eating by myself never goes well. I'm much more likely to eat more alone than if I'm with people. Don't ask me why this is.

Part of me recognizes that it's ok to fluctuate a little bit, and that my current weight isn't by any standard fat (even my yoga teachers, who themselves are little, have recently commented), but it doesn't help me from feeling ridiculously gross most of the time. I keep wanting to go out for midnight walks to burn off all of the food I ate. Though I'm stopping myself from doing it (safety concerns), boy is it tempting.

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School starts back up again tomorrow. Though I did rest a fair amount over break (which probably accounts for the lack of weight loss...), I'd really love a few days of lazy mornings with my boyfriend before we had to worry about getting to class on time. Plus all the social "Oh what did you do over break" conversations make me go insane.

In typical AB fashion, I'll just seclude myself.

Truly yours,
the AB

A Small Rant

I spent my entire therapy session today in tears. Within seconds of sitting down, I was picking up the tissues. I didn't say much. Just cried. The entire time. My Dr. tried to get me to "explain what's behind the tears." I tried. But not much came out. It's what I've been doing all day. And I can't explain it.

I'm going to Paris on Tuesday. I should be excited, but I'm dreading it. I'm dreading 3 meals a day with my family, my mother who talks either about food or how she wants to be skinny, and just generally being a tourist. I just want to blend in. Read a book in a coffee shop and otherwise relax. Enough of this go go go.

I still haven't finished my semester yet. Sunday. It'll be over soon. I need it to be.

I thought I was hungry tonight. And, because I have nothing in my house, I ordered Chinese. By the time it came, I no longer wanted it. It's in the fridge. I did check my fortune though - it was about how you need to take time to rest and relax. No kidding. Since September, I've been on over 30 planes, had 70+ interviews, (written that many thank-yous), had more business lunches (damn them) than I can count, carried a full course load, and worked a part-time job for a professor. Not to mention, spending time with a boyfriend,traveling home to visit my parents twice, teaching piano lessons, and keeping Shabbat. No wonder I'm tired. I need a break.

Funny how in this list, keeping Shabbat is a chore. It just all takes time. And it's about time I had some time to myself.

And for the next 3 weeks, I don't have access to my scale. I know this is probably a good thing for me, but I really want it. Really. I might go buy one. But there's no socially responsible place to buy a scale. Wal-Mart and Target don't count. I didn't see one at the thrift store when I went yesterday. Boo.

Enough ranting.

Truly yours,
The AB

Moving Onward

Virtual Weigh-in: 133(!), BMI 18.5.

I've reached the lowest "acceptable" weight for my height.

I'm sure this is because of the blood loss, but the number was nice to see on the scale this morning.

Although I just counteracted it with the bagel I ate. Oh well.

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Exam tomorrow. The AB's stressed.

Truly yours,
The AB