A Small Rant

I spent my entire therapy session today in tears. Within seconds of sitting down, I was picking up the tissues. I didn't say much. Just cried. The entire time. My Dr. tried to get me to "explain what's behind the tears." I tried. But not much came out. It's what I've been doing all day. And I can't explain it.

I'm going to Paris on Tuesday. I should be excited, but I'm dreading it. I'm dreading 3 meals a day with my family, my mother who talks either about food or how she wants to be skinny, and just generally being a tourist. I just want to blend in. Read a book in a coffee shop and otherwise relax. Enough of this go go go.

I still haven't finished my semester yet. Sunday. It'll be over soon. I need it to be.

I thought I was hungry tonight. And, because I have nothing in my house, I ordered Chinese. By the time it came, I no longer wanted it. It's in the fridge. I did check my fortune though - it was about how you need to take time to rest and relax. No kidding. Since September, I've been on over 30 planes, had 70+ interviews, (written that many thank-yous), had more business lunches (damn them) than I can count, carried a full course load, and worked a part-time job for a professor. Not to mention, spending time with a boyfriend,traveling home to visit my parents twice, teaching piano lessons, and keeping Shabbat. No wonder I'm tired. I need a break.

Funny how in this list, keeping Shabbat is a chore. It just all takes time. And it's about time I had some time to myself.

And for the next 3 weeks, I don't have access to my scale. I know this is probably a good thing for me, but I really want it. Really. I might go buy one. But there's no socially responsible place to buy a scale. Wal-Mart and Target don't count. I didn't see one at the thrift store when I went yesterday. Boo.

Enough ranting.

Truly yours,
The AB

Moving Onward

Virtual Weigh-in: 133(!), BMI 18.5.

I've reached the lowest "acceptable" weight for my height.

I'm sure this is because of the blood loss, but the number was nice to see on the scale this morning.

Although I just counteracted it with the bagel I ate. Oh well.

____________________

Exam tomorrow. The AB's stressed.

Truly yours,
The AB

Blood Drive

Virtual Weigh-In: 134lbs. BMI: 18.7

Today's been a crappy food day. I've totally let myself loose. Which is horrible since I won't be making it to yoga today because...

... I gave blood. I haven't qualified in over year because I'm typically anemic. But, my iron was 40, according to the American Red Cross. Can someone explain this to me? I've lost 30+ pounds by not eating in the past 5 months, and my iron is at an all-time high. I'm just perplexed. Also, is it ok that I was motivated by the thought that I'll weigh less in the morning, if they took a pint of blood out of me? Does this even make sense?

But I passed out right after my donation. They made me drink non-diet soda. It was so sweet and nasty. Then I had pretzels at the canteen. I had already eaten so much today, it just made me feel even worse.

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This on top of me worried about the boyfriend. He's just seemed so quiet over the last 2 days. I know it's exams, and he insists that nothing's up, but I'm petrified he's thinking of leaving me. Not sure where this is coming from. Yesterday we booked tickets to go on a trip in March. I can't image he'd do that if he were simultaneously scheming.

_______________________

Just take a deep breath and focus on your exams. One down, two and a paper to go.

Yours truly,
The AB

Vomiting Again.

I just made myself throw-up. I'm not thinking this is a good thing.

I ate some cheese last night that didn't sit well in my stomach. About an hour ago, I got chills, stomach pains, and just generally feeling miserable. I threw it up (along with the peanut butter toast and apple I had had for breakfast). Although my stomach feels better, I'm a bit shaky and lightheaded. The endorphins are running too.

I also have to admit that I'm slightly scared as well. The only times I've thrown up before was when I was using ipecac back in 2004 (promise, this didn't last long...). Until today, I've never been able to induce vomit. I've tried, don't get me wrong, but it's never worked. I hope I don't get addicted.

My boyfriend isn't home. I just e-mailed him all of this. And yes, I'll tell the therapist tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I need to put this behind me so that I can study for exams.

Yours truly,
The AB

Yoga Practice

So Pat Robinson has a problem with yoga. It's apparently a threat to Christianity. But I'm Jewish, so I guess that it's ok for me to practice - consider I'm already a heathen and all.

In truth, I haven't been practicing very much recently. In fact, I'm only practiced once since Thanksgiving. Part of this was because I was sick; part of this was because I was busy; and part of this is because I've been trying not to be quite so rigid about my life.

I went to a beginning class yesterday - and actually found it plenty challenging; even though I typically take the advanced classes at my studio. It's amazing how much muscle mass you can loose in two weeks, and how tough it can be to get back into the swing of things.

Unfortunately, I can't go again tonight because I'm hosting a party for Hanukkah. But I'll be back tomorrow. My body needs it.
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I canceled my monthly follow up with my internist last week. It was just making me too anxious. I found myself thinking, "I can't eat this apple, because then I won't loose weight in time for my weigh-in." Although since I last posted, I did drop to 133, I'm weighed in this morning at 135, meaning that I only would have dropped 2 since my first appointment. Not good enough. So I canceled. Perverse thinking? Maybe. But then again, I have an ED.

____________________

Exams are coming up. Yippee.

I'm focused on trying to beat the curve. In more ways than one.

Yours truly,
The AB

Goal Weights, SOs, and Drs.

Virtual Weigh-in: 135lbs. BMI 18.8

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So, I've dropped another 2 pounds. It's kind of frustrating as my weight loss has plateaued. Earlier this summer I was loosing a pound or two a week. But as I get smaller, it gets tougher. No shattering news there.

135 used to be a goal weight. I weighed this when I was in 9th grade. It's the lowest I've ever been as a menstruating adult. Although about 10 pounds ago, I decided 130 would be good for me. But, knowing how this ED works, I'm not so sure that at 130, I'll be content to stay there. I'm also not sure I know how to maintain weight anymore. The thought of consuming 1700-2000 calories in a day is frightening.

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But, my boyfriend has no problems doing it. He's put on about 5 pounds (I would guess) in the past 2 months or so. This really scares me. He was trim before. Now, there's some flesh on him. At one point when we were talking about my weight (he knows about my ED, but not about this blog), he told me that he had a tough time seeing weight changes - and certainly couldn't see them on himself. He asked me if I could see them - yep. I can. That was my oppertunity to say, um by the way - wanna do some exercise? I just don't want to be with a fat man. As prejudicial as that is. But at the same time, I don't want to make him as demented and as concerned about his body as I am. Struggling to find this balance is tough.

Any tips?

______________________

Also, you might notice the "virtual" addition to my weigh in. This is because I'm now getting monthly weigh=ins with a doctor. I'm a little bitter about this - especially with those $20 co-pays. Can't I just e-mail her my weight and save my money?

I also am feeling more pressure to loose weight so as to be "successful" at my next appointment. So far I'm down two - but it's as if that isn't enough for 2 weeks' loss. Ah, perverse incentives. Maybe I'll cancel my appointment.

Yours truly,
The AB

Aborted Attempt

After a night of restless sleep, and nightmares of a doctor yelling at me, or not believing me, or me just cowering in the corner of the doctor's office, I didn't even see a d*mn doctor.

I get they and they don't take my insurance. Despite the fact that over the phone she asked me, "what insurance do you take?" And me replying "Anthem." She responded, "OK - bring your card with you."

So I bring my card. She looks at it and goes, "Oh we don't take this version of Anthem. Sorry."

Talk about stress. I broke down. Two years ago I would have been so stoic, but I got very frustrated. What incompetence. A woman in the back helped me schedule another appointment with a different doctor in my town. I'm not sure she understood why I was in tears.

And now, in two weeks, I get to do this whole process again. Just for some lousy numbers that will tell me I need to eat more.

Big whoop.

Your's truly,
The AB