Goal Weights, SOs, and Drs.

Virtual Weigh-in: 135lbs. BMI 18.8

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So, I've dropped another 2 pounds. It's kind of frustrating as my weight loss has plateaued. Earlier this summer I was loosing a pound or two a week. But as I get smaller, it gets tougher. No shattering news there.

135 used to be a goal weight. I weighed this when I was in 9th grade. It's the lowest I've ever been as a menstruating adult. Although about 10 pounds ago, I decided 130 would be good for me. But, knowing how this ED works, I'm not so sure that at 130, I'll be content to stay there. I'm also not sure I know how to maintain weight anymore. The thought of consuming 1700-2000 calories in a day is frightening.

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But, my boyfriend has no problems doing it. He's put on about 5 pounds (I would guess) in the past 2 months or so. This really scares me. He was trim before. Now, there's some flesh on him. At one point when we were talking about my weight (he knows about my ED, but not about this blog), he told me that he had a tough time seeing weight changes - and certainly couldn't see them on himself. He asked me if I could see them - yep. I can. That was my oppertunity to say, um by the way - wanna do some exercise? I just don't want to be with a fat man. As prejudicial as that is. But at the same time, I don't want to make him as demented and as concerned about his body as I am. Struggling to find this balance is tough.

Any tips?

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Also, you might notice the "virtual" addition to my weigh in. This is because I'm now getting monthly weigh=ins with a doctor. I'm a little bitter about this - especially with those $20 co-pays. Can't I just e-mail her my weight and save my money?

I also am feeling more pressure to loose weight so as to be "successful" at my next appointment. So far I'm down two - but it's as if that isn't enough for 2 weeks' loss. Ah, perverse incentives. Maybe I'll cancel my appointment.

Yours truly,
The AB

Aborted Attempt

After a night of restless sleep, and nightmares of a doctor yelling at me, or not believing me, or me just cowering in the corner of the doctor's office, I didn't even see a d*mn doctor.

I get they and they don't take my insurance. Despite the fact that over the phone she asked me, "what insurance do you take?" And me replying "Anthem." She responded, "OK - bring your card with you."

So I bring my card. She looks at it and goes, "Oh we don't take this version of Anthem. Sorry."

Talk about stress. I broke down. Two years ago I would have been so stoic, but I got very frustrated. What incompetence. A woman in the back helped me schedule another appointment with a different doctor in my town. I'm not sure she understood why I was in tears.

And now, in two weeks, I get to do this whole process again. Just for some lousy numbers that will tell me I need to eat more.

Big whoop.

Your's truly,
The AB

An Apple a Day

....should keep the doctor away?

Or maybe not.

My brother, mother and I are going to Europe in December/January. I love being abroad and am looking forward to the trip.

But my visit back to the 'rents house last weekend didn't do me much good. My parents were appalled at the weight loss and told me that I had to go see a doctor. I resisted and told them that I'm seeing a psychologist and that there wasn't anything the MD would tell me other than eat. They didn't like this answer and threatened that if I didn't see a doctor (they don't trust psychology as a discipline - only Medical Doctors count) that they wouldn't pay for my trip to Europe.

So I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow morning. I've never seen this guy before. I don't have a regular doctor. He's a general practitioner, but will probably be dumbfounded by my case (in addition to my ED-NOS, I also present with an array of other medical complications, and a ridiculously long medical history. The only this that's getting me to my appointment tomorrow morning is the look on his face when I get to say, "no, I'm not done yet, there's more to my medical history..."

I was also told to fast - presumably for blood work. Needless to say that's another upside to the visit. Permission, my an MD nonetheless, not to eat. I might extend the fast for the day.

Although my boyfriend's father's birthday is tomorrow. I'm dreading the obligatory ice cream cake.

Your's Truly,
The AB

Visit Home

I was back at my parents’ house this weekend. I don’t usually go home. Despite the fact that they live only two hours away, I only go home 2-3 times a year. I think part of the reason this is because every time I see them, they give me a lecture on how much they love me, and how I’m getting too skinny. I know that they care. But them telling me constantly that they want me to eat more isn’t going to make me want to eat.

I also caught a glimpse of my medical chart at the doctors’ office (I went in to get a flu shot). I weigh 2 pounds less than I did when I was 17. I saw a full length picture of me taken about that time, and, in AB fashion, I found it disgusting, despite the fact that until now, that was the lowest I’ve ever weighed.

I comforted my parents by reassuring them that I was still in the “normal” weight range – though I am quite close to the bottom of the range. I didn’t tell them my goal was to loose 10 more pounds…

But, I’m thankfully back home. Now there’s no one to criticize what I am or am not eating. Just me.

Your’s truly,
AB

Yom Kippur Recap

(today's weigh in: 139.5 [btw, I'm 5'11''])

Yesterday was Yom Kippur. It wasn't all that easy for me. I found myself very distracted, and having a tough time concentrating. All I could think about was my struggles with my ED this past year.

It's funny how much of a roller coaster it can be. Although I've probably had a diagnosable ED since early college, looking back, I can see ED tendencies back in early childhood. As probably typical, some years, it's more prominent in my life than in others. This has been a strong year.

I stood in synagogue all day yesterday. On a day of repentance and returning, I spent most of it angry at G-d. Angry and distracted. Paying attention to how my clothes don't fit (Since winter, I've dropped about 30 pounds and I haven't bothered to get new ones). Paying attention to my hair falling out and the goosebumps on my arms. Not on repentance and no returning.

Then in the afternoon, I spent some time on the porch. I needed a one-on-one with G-d. To hash it out. And then, seemingly so obvious, it struck me: I needed to forgive myself for not taking care of my body and ask G-d for the same. (I also had a chance to mull through a litany of sins I've committed over the past year). All of a sudden, Yom Kippur became more meaningful.

The fast, as I suspected was easy. That's the beauty of a restrictive-type ED-NOS. 25 hours wasn't all that much longer than the 16 or 17 I often go. I've been training my body to fast. I did break the fast at a pancake house. I had never been to this one before. Surprisingly, I was able to eat without too much guilt. But two pancakes and two eggs isn't too much considering that's all I ate yesterday. I think I was comforting myself with this information.

I've never understood the concept of large pre- and post-fast meals. It seems to me that you're just teasing your body. Once that food digests, you crash. Much better to avoid those uncomfortable stuffed feelings and slowly wean your body off food. But I guess my strategy is a more long-term solution.

Anyway - no more community-approved fasts until Esther in February. Boo.

Truly Yours,
The AB

Introduction to the world

I'd been searching long and hard for a blog about ED (that'd be eating disorders, for the uninitiated) that was not a pitty party, a pro-ana/mia site, or a straight food diary. Something where I could read about someone's struggles with their ED with extra points given if it from time to time included some thoughtful commentary as well. I didn't have much luck on this mission.

And I discovered that what I wanted was a place to journal my life. So this blog was born.

First and foremost, I'm neither anorexic nor a baker. I'm ED-NOS (eating disorder - not otherwise specified) and a law student. But, I am of the restricting type and I do like to bake (for others). Anorexic Baker just sounded much more enticing that ED-NOS Law Student.

Also, I am under the care of a psychologist.

With that, I'll leave. More to come.

Truly yours,
the AB