The Anorexic Baker

Triggers

2009-04-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't been doing too well recently. I put on a few pounds, but it feels like 20. A walking blimp. However, it was made worse tonight by the fact that one of my friends came over for dinner tonight. I don't know her terribly well, but we're part of a monthly dinner group. I wouldn't be surprised if she also has an ED. Only she's so much "better" at it than I am. My is she thin. To me, she is ideal - exactly what I'd like to be like. To look like.

My boyfriend says "that [her thinness] can't be healthy," but oh how I wish I looked like she did. In short, she's my biggest trigger.

Other than Friend, I only use triggers when I feel I'm slipping. I'll go search online for some diet info, maybe some pictures of particularly beautiful women. I'm not a fan of "thinspo" but Victoria's Secret models. That's my style. Maybe I should be able to tell that I'm having "problems" if I'm searching for this stuff online, but my brain doesn't make that connection.

Anyway, we're about ready to enter finals period. At this point, I've finished my formal education. I just need to prove that I've learned something. Two exams and I will have myself a law degree. Scary. I'm just not that responsible.

Yours truly,
The AB

Red Lobster

2009-03-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

As I think I've mentioned in a previous post or two, I'm a vegetarian. My vegetarian habits slowly evolved beginning from when I was about 6 or 7. I just didn't like meat. Gradually, I stopped eating meat (poultry, red meat), then I cut out shellfish (primarily because of my conversion to Judaism and my desire to keep Kosher), finally a year to two ago, I stopped eating "flaky" fish (salmon, tuna, etc.) altogether. Recently, I've considered going vegan, but have resisted this urge since it would make others' lives too difficult.

I'm smart enough to understand that my vegetarianism probably is related to my ED, but, because it started when I was so young, I don't believe that it is predominately caused by my ED.

However, my need to examine menus well in advance of going out to eat is related. I need to go on-line to a restaurant and examine a menu. That way, when I get there, I'm prepared. I know what my choices will be (or usually, because of my vegetarianism, lack thereof). Armed with that information, I am able to plan out what I will eat that day (and often the day or two before).

My mother and I are going to visit my grandmother soon. Grandma has requested that we go to Red Lobster. Grandma doesn't drive much anymore, and the Red Lobster is a bit far for her. Of course my mother and I agreed (even though it's not our favorite place in the world). Like a dutiful EDer, I logged on to the Red Lobster webpage and looked at the menu. There wasn't a single vegetarian item on the menu. I was shocked (though I guess I shouldn't have been). I called up the resturant. I've found that a lot of "picture menu resturants" have a veggie burger or something similar that they offer, but that it's not on the menu. The manager quickly told me that no, in fact they offer no vegetarian items.

I'll probably end up eating a side of potato and asparagus and in the process make every one I'm with feel uncomfortable that they went to a resturant that doesn't offer anything for me and have them focusing on what I'm eating. I'm sure that'll make me feel really comfortable. Great job Red Lobster! I can't wait to visit your establishment.

Yours truly,
The AB

Facebook Status

2008-04-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

One of my friends recently changed her facebook status to "E. F. is going to starve to death!" My initial reaction was "Can I join too?" I was dead serious too.

Some thing's wrong with me. That said, I think I've consumed a normal amount of calories each of the last three days. Although I did drop to my lowest weight ever last week, I've since, I'm sure put a few pounds back on. But, I'm too afraid to get on the scale to find out.

I just had salad and some chex mix for lunch and I'm feeling absolutely horrendous, and generally just pathetic.

Truly yours,
the AB

Sex with ED

2008-03-31T13:22:00.001-07:00

Here's a worthwhile link to a study on EDs and blogging. They're looking for people to take a survey, so if you meet the qualifications, go for it. If nothing else, I found it to be a good oppertunity to reflect on why I blog (or in the recent past, why I haven't blogged.)

___________________

My weight has finally stabilized a bit. After I switched birth control, my weight went up 5lbs. This created for some pretty hellish months. All but one pound is gone, and I'm feeling a bit more in control now.

That said, my boyfriend and I have had to have some big discussions about sex recently. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I have no sex drive. None. Nilp. Zitch. I think it's been 4 weeks since we've had sex - and, I leave tomorrow for a 5 day trip. So we can make that 5. He's really kind about it, and never pressures me into sex. It's just that I feel guilty for not providing for him. I know he masturbates when I'm not around, so at least he's got that. But in truth, I was feeling a bit left out. I don't want sex, but I want him to be getting some - and I want to be part of his sex life. I'm picky, I know.

Then there's the whole issue of me not wanting to be touched. Sometimes kisses are ok. Sometimes they're not. Grabbing my hips, usually not ok. I'm trying to avoid giving him a list of "appropriate" things, as I don't want him to feel constrained - plus I'm not sure I could even make one as it changes hourly. But, I know that he doesn't ever want to make me feel uncomfortable. Yet, I'm not able to guide him. I'm picky, I know.

In short. Our sex life sucks. And I generally feel guilty about it. But, at the same time, I'm not really sure I want the ED to go away right now. Such is life.

Yours truly,
The AB

Ups and Downs

2008-01-13T17:25:00.000-08:00

My weight has been fluctuating like none other. Up and down about 2-3 pounds each day. Overall, this has been leaving me emotionally exhausted. I never know what to expect when I step on the scale.

This has had ramifications for the normally calm parts of my life. Even when I'm practicing yoga, the point in the day when usually I can forget about my body (I recognize this is kind of ironic), I've been having negative thoughts. I look back to grab my calf and instead of just seeing skin, I take note of how fat it is. Then, my eyes start tearing up, I get upset, and stop focusing on my practice. This isn't useful for my emotional or physical heath.

With the boyfriend out of the country, I also have been by myself for most of the past week. Eating by myself never goes well. I'm much more likely to eat more alone than if I'm with people. Don't ask me why this is.

Part of me recognizes that it's ok to fluctuate a little bit, and that my current weight isn't by any standard fat (even my yoga teachers, who themselves are little, have recently commented), but it doesn't help me from feeling ridiculously gross most of the time. I keep wanting to go out for midnight walks to burn off all of the food I ate. Though I'm stopping myself from doing it (safety concerns), boy is it tempting.

________________________

School starts back up again tomorrow. Though I did rest a fair amount over break (which probably accounts for the lack of weight loss...), I'd really love a few days of lazy mornings with my boyfriend before we had to worry about getting to class on time. Plus all the social "Oh what did you do over break" conversations make me go insane.

In typical AB fashion, I'll just seclude myself.

Truly yours,
the AB

A Small Rant

2007-12-21T19:44:00.000-08:00

I spent my entire therapy session today in tears. Within seconds of sitting down, I was picking up the tissues. I didn't say much. Just cried. The entire time. My Dr. tried to get me to "explain what's behind the tears." I tried. But not much came out. It's what I've been doing all day. And I can't explain it.

I'm going to Paris on Tuesday. I should be excited, but I'm dreading it. I'm dreading 3 meals a day with my family, my mother who talks either about food or how she wants to be skinny, and just generally being a tourist. I just want to blend in. Read a book in a coffee shop and otherwise relax. Enough of this go go go.

I still haven't finished my semester yet. Sunday. It'll be over soon. I need it to be.

I thought I was hungry tonight. And, because I have nothing in my house, I ordered Chinese. By the time it came, I no longer wanted it. It's in the fridge. I did check my fortune though - it was about how you need to take time to rest and relax. No kidding. Since September, I've been on over 30 planes, had 70+ interviews, (written that many thank-yous), had more business lunches (damn them) than I can count, carried a full course load, and worked a part-time job for a professor. Not to mention, spending time with a boyfriend,traveling home to visit my parents twice, teaching piano lessons, and keeping Shabbat. No wonder I'm tired. I need a break.

Funny how in this list, keeping Shabbat is a chore. It just all takes time. And it's about time I had some time to myself.

And for the next 3 weeks, I don't have access to my scale. I know this is probably a good thing for me, but I really want it. Really. I might go buy one. But there's no socially responsible place to buy a scale. Wal-Mart and Target don't count. I didn't see one at the thrift store when I went yesterday. Boo.

Enough ranting.

Truly yours,
The AB

Moving Onward

2007-12-12T06:22:00.000-08:00

Virtual Weigh-in: 133(!), BMI 18.5.

I've reached the lowest "acceptable" weight for my height.

I'm sure this is because of the blood loss, but the number was nice to see on the scale this morning.

Although I just counteracted it with the bagel I ate. Oh well.

____________________

Exam tomorrow. The AB's stressed.

Truly yours,
The AB

Blood Drive

2007-12-11T14:50:00.000-08:00

Virtual Weigh-In: 134lbs. BMI: 18.7

Today's been a crappy food day. I've totally let myself loose. Which is horrible since I won't be making it to yoga today because...

... I gave blood. I haven't qualified in over year because I'm typically anemic. But, my iron was 40, according to the American Red Cross. Can someone explain this to me? I've lost 30+ pounds by not eating in the past 5 months, and my iron is at an all-time high. I'm just perplexed. Also, is it ok that I was motivated by the thought that I'll weigh less in the morning, if they took a pint of blood out of me? Does this even make sense?

But I passed out right after my donation. They made me drink non-diet soda. It was so sweet and nasty. Then I had pretzels at the canteen. I had already eaten so much today, it just made me feel even worse.

_______________________

This on top of me worried about the boyfriend. He's just seemed so quiet over the last 2 days. I know it's exams, and he insists that nothing's up, but I'm petrified he's thinking of leaving me. Not sure where this is coming from. Yesterday we booked tickets to go on a trip in March. I can't image he'd do that if he were simultaneously scheming.

_______________________

Just take a deep breath and focus on your exams. One down, two and a paper to go.

Yours truly,
The AB

Vomiting Again.

2007-12-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

I just made myself throw-up. I'm not thinking this is a good thing.

I ate some cheese last night that didn't sit well in my stomach. About an hour ago, I got chills, stomach pains, and just generally feeling miserable. I threw it up (along with the peanut butter toast and apple I had had for breakfast). Although my stomach feels better, I'm a bit shaky and lightheaded. The endorphins are running too.

I also have to admit that I'm slightly scared as well. The only times I've thrown up before was when I was using ipecac back in 2004 (promise, this didn't last long...). Until today, I've never been able to induce vomit. I've tried, don't get me wrong, but it's never worked. I hope I don't get addicted.

My boyfriend isn't home. I just e-mailed him all of this. And yes, I'll tell the therapist tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I need to put this behind me so that I can study for exams.

Yours truly,
The AB

Yoga Practice

2007-12-04T06:39:00.000-08:00

So Pat Robinson has a problem with yoga. It's apparently a threat to Christianity. But I'm Jewish, so I guess that it's ok for me to practice - consider I'm already a heathen and all.

In truth, I haven't been practicing very much recently. In fact, I'm only practiced once since Thanksgiving. Part of this was because I was sick; part of this was because I was busy; and part of this is because I've been trying not to be quite so rigid about my life.

I went to a beginning class yesterday - and actually found it plenty challenging; even though I typically take the advanced classes at my studio. It's amazing how much muscle mass you can loose in two weeks, and how tough it can be to get back into the swing of things.

Unfortunately, I can't go again tonight because I'm hosting a party for Hanukkah. But I'll be back tomorrow. My body needs it.
____________________

I canceled my monthly follow up with my internist last week. It was just making me too anxious. I found myself thinking, "I can't eat this apple, because then I won't loose weight in time for my weigh-in." Although since I last posted, I did drop to 133, I'm weighed in this morning at 135, meaning that I only would have dropped 2 since my first appointment. Not good enough. So I canceled. Perverse thinking? Maybe. But then again, I have an ED.

____________________

Exams are coming up. Yippee.

I'm focused on trying to beat the curve. In more ways than one.

Yours truly,
The AB

Goal Weights, SOs, and Drs.

2007-11-14T04:01:00.000-08:00

Virtual Weigh-in: 135lbs. BMI 18.8

__________________

So, I've dropped another 2 pounds. It's kind of frustrating as my weight loss has plateaued. Earlier this summer I was loosing a pound or two a week. But as I get smaller, it gets tougher. No shattering news there.

135 used to be a goal weight. I weighed this when I was in 9th grade. It's the lowest I've ever been as a menstruating adult. Although about 10 pounds ago, I decided 130 would be good for me. But, knowing how this ED works, I'm not so sure that at 130, I'll be content to stay there. I'm also not sure I know how to maintain weight anymore. The thought of consuming 1700-2000 calories in a day is frightening.

____________________

But, my boyfriend has no problems doing it. He's put on about 5 pounds (I would guess) in the past 2 months or so. This really scares me. He was trim before. Now, there's some flesh on him. At one point when we were talking about my weight (he knows about my ED, but not about this blog), he told me that he had a tough time seeing weight changes - and certainly couldn't see them on himself. He asked me if I could see them - yep. I can. That was my oppertunity to say, um by the way - wanna do some exercise? I just don't want to be with a fat man. As prejudicial as that is. But at the same time, I don't want to make him as demented and as concerned about his body as I am. Struggling to find this balance is tough.

Any tips?

______________________

Also, you might notice the "virtual" addition to my weigh in. This is because I'm now getting monthly weigh=ins with a doctor. I'm a little bitter about this - especially with those $20 co-pays. Can't I just e-mail her my weight and save my money?

I also am feeling more pressure to loose weight so as to be "successful" at my next appointment. So far I'm down two - but it's as if that isn't enough for 2 weeks' loss. Ah, perverse incentives. Maybe I'll cancel my appointment.

Yours truly,
The AB

Aborted Attempt

2007-10-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

After a night of restless sleep, and nightmares of a doctor yelling at me, or not believing me, or me just cowering in the corner of the doctor's office, I didn't even see a d*mn doctor.

I get they and they don't take my insurance. Despite the fact that over the phone she asked me, "what insurance do you take?" And me replying "Anthem." She responded, "OK - bring your card with you."

So I bring my card. She looks at it and goes, "Oh we don't take this version of Anthem. Sorry."

Talk about stress. I broke down. Two years ago I would have been so stoic, but I got very frustrated. What incompetence. A woman in the back helped me schedule another appointment with a different doctor in my town. I'm not sure she understood why I was in tears.

And now, in two weeks, I get to do this whole process again. Just for some lousy numbers that will tell me I need to eat more.

Big whoop.

Your's truly,
The AB

An Apple a Day

2007-10-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

....should keep the doctor away?

Or maybe not.

My brother, mother and I are going to Europe in December/January. I love being abroad and am looking forward to the trip.

But my visit back to the 'rents house last weekend didn't do me much good. My parents were appalled at the weight loss and told me that I had to go see a doctor. I resisted and told them that I'm seeing a psychologist and that there wasn't anything the MD would tell me other than eat. They didn't like this answer and threatened that if I didn't see a doctor (they don't trust psychology as a discipline - only Medical Doctors count) that they wouldn't pay for my trip to Europe.

So I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow morning. I've never seen this guy before. I don't have a regular doctor. He's a general practitioner, but will probably be dumbfounded by my case (in addition to my ED-NOS, I also present with an array of other medical complications, and a ridiculously long medical history. The only this that's getting me to my appointment tomorrow morning is the look on his face when I get to say, "no, I'm not done yet, there's more to my medical history..."

I was also told to fast - presumably for blood work. Needless to say that's another upside to the visit. Permission, my an MD nonetheless, not to eat. I might extend the fast for the day.

Although my boyfriend's father's birthday is tomorrow. I'm dreading the obligatory ice cream cake.

Your's Truly,
The AB

Visit Home

2007-10-21T09:17:00.001-07:00

I was back at my parents’ house this weekend. I don’t usually go home. Despite the fact that they live only two hours away, I only go home 2-3 times a year. I think part of the reason this is because every time I see them, they give me a lecture on how much they love me, and how I’m getting too skinny. I know that they care. But them telling me constantly that they want me to eat more isn’t going to make me want to eat.

I also caught a glimpse of my medical chart at the doctors’ office (I went in to get a flu shot). I weigh 2 pounds less than I did when I was 17. I saw a full length picture of me taken about that time, and, in AB fashion, I found it disgusting, despite the fact that until now, that was the lowest I’ve ever weighed.

I comforted my parents by reassuring them that I was still in the “normal” weight range – though I am quite close to the bottom of the range. I didn’t tell them my goal was to loose 10 more pounds…

But, I’m thankfully back home. Now there’s no one to criticize what I am or am not eating. Just me.

Your’s truly,
AB

Yom Kippur Recap

2007-09-23T06:27:00.000-07:00

(today's weigh in: 139.5 [btw, I'm 5'11''])

Yesterday was Yom Kippur. It wasn't all that easy for me. I found myself very distracted, and having a tough time concentrating. All I could think about was my struggles with my ED this past year.

It's funny how much of a roller coaster it can be. Although I've probably had a diagnosable ED since early college, looking back, I can see ED tendencies back in early childhood. As probably typical, some years, it's more prominent in my life than in others. This has been a strong year.

I stood in synagogue all day yesterday. On a day of repentance and returning, I spent most of it angry at G-d. Angry and distracted. Paying attention to how my clothes don't fit (Since winter, I've dropped about 30 pounds and I haven't bothered to get new ones). Paying attention to my hair falling out and the goosebumps on my arms. Not on repentance and no returning.

Then in the afternoon, I spent some time on the porch. I needed a one-on-one with G-d. To hash it out. And then, seemingly so obvious, it struck me: I needed to forgive myself for not taking care of my body and ask G-d for the same. (I also had a chance to mull through a litany of sins I've committed over the past year). All of a sudden, Yom Kippur became more meaningful.

The fast, as I suspected was easy. That's the beauty of a restrictive-type ED-NOS. 25 hours wasn't all that much longer than the 16 or 17 I often go. I've been training my body to fast. I did break the fast at a pancake house. I had never been to this one before. Surprisingly, I was able to eat without too much guilt. But two pancakes and two eggs isn't too much considering that's all I ate yesterday. I think I was comforting myself with this information.

I've never understood the concept of large pre- and post-fast meals. It seems to me that you're just teasing your body. Once that food digests, you crash. Much better to avoid those uncomfortable stuffed feelings and slowly wean your body off food. But I guess my strategy is a more long-term solution.

Anyway - no more community-approved fasts until Esther in February. Boo.

Truly Yours,
The AB

Introduction to the world

2007-09-20T12:11:00.000-07:00

I'd been searching long and hard for a blog about ED (that'd be eating disorders, for the uninitiated) that was not a pitty party, a pro-ana/mia site, or a straight food diary. Something where I could read about someone's struggles with their ED with extra points given if it from time to time included some thoughtful commentary as well. I didn't have much luck on this mission.

And I discovered that what I wanted was a place to journal my life. So this blog was born.

First and foremost, I'm neither anorexic nor a baker. I'm ED-NOS (eating disorder - not otherwise specified) and a law student. But, I am of the restricting type and I do like to bake (for others). Anorexic Baker just sounded much more enticing that ED-NOS Law Student.

Also, I am under the care of a psychologist.

With that, I'll leave. More to come.

Truly yours,
the AB